Image source: https://quip.io/q/2ddg
I attended a community with the hopes of finding
myself and making sense of things that are happening in my life. I was confused
and scared—afraid of the future and the unknown. With this, my mother suggested
that I attend an organization so I can stop focusing too much on myself
and interact with other people so I can grow spiritually and socially.
For months, I religiously went to this Sunday program where I
get to gather with people who have a deep passion and love for Christ. True
enough, with the members’ radiating positivity and love of God and Christ, my
anxiety started to diminish. It was as though I went through group therapy with
this interaction—a life changing experience indeed.
I went to this community without any expectations. All I wanted
was to get out and finally have a break of focusing too much on myself.
However, I never thought that I would meet you here as well. In fact, you were
there since day one. Why was I unable to notice you?
It was only when I finished the 12 week Sunday program that I
got to know you. See, how could it be possible for you and
me to be attending the same program for several weeks without getting to know
each other? Getting to know you for the first time (after several weeks of
being together) wasn't really that striking though. You were not really the
cute type; it was not love at first sight. Well, perhaps it’s because I wasn't
looking for anything related to love or even flirting. I only want to rid
myself of my anxiety.
Then weeks passed. I started to see you more. We started to interact more. I started to get to know you more. Was I impressed?
Everyone’s impressed with you. Was I as well? If anything, I am
very disinterested with conceited guys. Not that you are conceited; well
perhaps a bit. Maybe it’s because you truly have what it takes to make a girl
want to look at you and watch your every move. But I don’t want to be one of
them. I told myself I will never be one of them. What happened?
Then we started talking. I started talking, but I’m not sure
if you were listening. Perhaps it has always been that way for you. You were
used to having people around who are always eager to hear you out and be amazed
with what you do. Sadly, you were not that open when it comes to getting to
know others deeply as well. And by saying others, it also included me. I don’t
think you see me the way I see you. What do you know about me? I think you only
knew my name. Nonetheless, I wanted to ask you “why”? Why can’t you look at me
in the eye while we were talking?
More weeks passed. We had more interactions in the community.
I knew I was starting to see you the way others (especially other girls) see
you. Indubitably, you were amazing in your craft as God blessed you abundantly.
But I was determined not to be among those girls falling in line over you. No.
I will not be one of them. I was scared. I didn’t want to get to know you more
because I was afraid I would be just like the others who were crazy over you. So
I decided to keep my distance. Then it was awkward. I saw how girls flocked at
you like a famous celebrity; I saw how you treated other girls. It hit me.
Since when did I start to notice you that much?
I thought if I ignored the feeling then it would just go
away. I thought if I run away from it, whatever it was that I am feeling will dissipate into thin air. Why would I want to be with someone who has walls like
me as well? Why would I like someone who doesn’t listen to me? Why would I be
attracted to someone who makes me hurt and confused every time I see him? It just doesn’t
make sense.
Yet I liked you. I did. You made my heart flutter whenever I
see you. You made me stutter whenever I talked to you. I don’t know why but you
even made me startle while taking juice from the dispenser. Why do you make me
feel this way when you don’t even pay attention to me? Why did I have to go
through all those when you never allowed me to get to know you beneath
your walls?
I wish that it could just be like that again-- you and I,
attending the same service without getting to know each other; just like what
happened when we attended the community service. I can pretend to just go by
and not notice you (just like what I always do now). I know that it's impossible though. However, I’m certain of one
thing. I can now go near you, talk to you and look at you without any
expectations. I don’t have expectations of you looking back at me and wishing that
you would want to get to know me more. It can be like that I guess—you and I,
in the same room. You know my name and I know yours, but nothing special in
between. Whatever it was that I felt before, I truly hope it can dissipate in
midair already.
I used to like you. Now, I’m getting used to like someone else
who looks directly at me, eagerly listens and pays more attention to me. I guess we can end it that way
without you knowing any of these, right? Here’s to hoping you never get to read
this public post. *insert deep sigh here. oh life.
