Can someone tell me how?

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“How can I love when I’m afraid to fall?”

Perhaps this line from Christina Perri’s ballad summarizes how I feel towards love and commitment. And yes, this is going to be a heartsick post since there are some experiences I had the past month and weeks in line with this.

I have never been in a romantic relationship; as in ever. I belong to those who people fondly categorize under the “No Boyfriend since Birth” (NBSB) individuals, and I am not ashamed to state this. The truth is, it sucks big time whenever I meet my relatives or high school friends and the first question they ask me is “May boyfriend ka na”? Sometimes, it gets more irritating when people would find out that I am an NBSB and they would respond with “Ay kawawa ka naman”. As if my worth as a woman depends on the number of boys that I dated or the number of relationships I had.

Unfortunately, not many people understand my decision of being single. There were a lot of great guys before, and until now, who showed and shows their interest towards me and their desire to court me. However, I never felt so sure about anyone; the thing is, I never felt that I wanted to give someone a chance to even get close to me. 

I am a big fan of romantic comedy films and novels. Having said that, I think I have a clear picture in mind of what it is like to be in love. Nonetheless, I do not understand why it is very difficult for me to open up to others. There are times when I think I am not really capable of being committed or being “in love” because I do not know how to love. But just the other night, a friend made me realize something. This friend made me understand that I actually know how to love; I am just afraid to give it a try. This is where I believe Christina Perri’s line comes in.

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a-arlyle-graef/im-not-afraid-of-love-im-afraid-of-the-fall

So, how can I love when I am afraid to fall? How do you open up yourself to someone and allow him to see your imperfections and deepest scars? I often wonder why people choose to fall in love and allow themselves to become vulnerable. Is it really worth it to take a risk? Will it be alright to try even though you know that it is possible for you to be truly hurt? I have a lot of questions. I do not know when I will have the courage to answer them.

Still, I believe that there is that special person for me. There is that someone who will make me want to jump and take a risk with him; someone who will make me realize that life is better travelled with a companion. Until then, I would just continue to pray for God to grant me the courage to take a leap of faith and the grace to accept all of my imperfections. This way, I know I can be ready to face this special person and share my heart with him. 

Dear "You"

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We were so close, yet I never knew you existed then.

I attended a community with the hopes of finding myself and making sense of things that are happening in my life. I was confused and scared—afraid of the future and the unknown. With this, my mother suggested that I attend an organization so I can stop focusing too much on myself and interact with other people so I can grow spiritually and socially.

For months, I religiously went to this Sunday program where I get to gather with people who have a deep passion and love for Christ. True enough, with the members’ radiating positivity and love of God and Christ, my anxiety started to diminish. It was as though I went through group therapy with this interaction—a life changing experience indeed.

I went to this community without any expectations. All I wanted was to get out and finally have a break of focusing too much on myself. However, I never thought that I would meet you here as well. In fact, you were there since day one. Why was I unable to notice you?

It was only when I finished the 12 week Sunday program that I got to know you. See, how could it be possible for you and me to be attending the same program for several weeks without getting to know each other? Getting to know you for the first time (after several weeks of being together) wasn't really that striking though. You were not really the cute type; it was not love at first sight. Well, perhaps it’s because I wasn't looking for anything related to love or even flirting. I only want to rid myself of my anxiety.

Then weeks passed. I started to see you more. We started to interact more. I started to get to know you more. Was I impressed? Everyone’s impressed with you. Was I as well? If anything, I am very disinterested with conceited guys. Not that you are conceited; well perhaps a bit. Maybe it’s because you truly have what it takes to make a girl want to look at you and watch your every move. But I don’t want to be one of them. I told myself I will never be one of them. What happened?

Then we started talking. I started talking, but I’m not sure if you were listening. Perhaps it has always been that way for you. You were used to having people around who are always eager to hear you out and be amazed with what you do. Sadly, you were not that open when it comes to getting to know others deeply as well. And by saying others, it also included me. I don’t think you see me the way I see you. What do you know about me? I think you only knew my name. Nonetheless, I wanted to ask you “why”? Why can’t you look at me in the eye while we were talking?

More weeks passed. We had more interactions in the community. I knew I was starting to see you the way others (especially other girls) see you. Indubitably, you were amazing in your craft as God blessed you abundantly. But I was determined not to be among those girls falling in line over you. No. I will not be one of them. I was scared. I didn’t want to get to know you more because I was afraid I would be just like the others who were crazy over you. So I decided to keep my distance. Then it was awkward. I saw how girls flocked at you like a famous celebrity; I saw how you treated other girls. It hit me. Since when did I start to notice you that much?

I thought if I ignored the feeling then it would just go away. I thought if I run away from it, whatever it was that I am feeling will dissipate into thin air. Why would I want to be with someone who has walls like me as well? Why would I like someone who doesn’t listen to me? Why would I be attracted to someone who makes me hurt and confused every time I see him? It just doesn’t make sense.

Yet I liked you. I did. You made my heart flutter whenever I see you. You made me stutter whenever I talked to you. I don’t know why but you even made me startle while taking juice from the dispenser. Why do you make me feel this way when you don’t even pay attention to me? Why did I have to go through all those when you never allowed me to get to know you beneath your walls?

I wish that it could just be like that again-- you and I, attending the same service without getting to know each other; just like what happened when we attended the community service. I can pretend to just go by and not notice you (just like what I always do now). I know that it's impossible though. However, I’m certain of one thing. I can now go near you, talk to you and look at you without any expectations. I don’t have expectations of you looking back at me and wishing that you would want to get to know me more. It can be like that I guess—you and I, in the same room. You know my name and I know yours, but nothing special in between. Whatever it was that I felt before, I truly hope it can dissipate in midair already.

I used to like you. Now, I’m getting used to like someone else who looks directly at me, eagerly listens and pays more attention to me. I guess we can end it that way without you knowing any of these, right? Here’s to hoping you never get to read this public post. *insert deep sigh here. oh life. 

The hiatus is over

It has been years since I last wrote an entry on this blog! I really missed writing though. Since I have more time now from work, I hope I can spend more time sharing my thoughts through writing again. J Let’s go creative juices! Haha

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