Can someone tell me how?

Image source: bashzone.com

“How can I love when I’m afraid to fall?”

Perhaps this line from Christina Perri’s ballad summarizes how I feel towards love and commitment. And yes, this is going to be a heartsick post since there are some experiences I had the past month and weeks in line with this.

I have never been in a romantic relationship; as in ever. I belong to those who people fondly categorize under the “No Boyfriend since Birth” (NBSB) individuals, and I am not ashamed to state this. The truth is, it sucks big time whenever I meet my relatives or high school friends and the first question they ask me is “May boyfriend ka na”? Sometimes, it gets more irritating when people would find out that I am an NBSB and they would respond with “Ay kawawa ka naman”. As if my worth as a woman depends on the number of boys that I dated or the number of relationships I had.

Unfortunately, not many people understand my decision of being single. There were a lot of great guys before, and until now, who showed and shows their interest towards me and their desire to court me. However, I never felt so sure about anyone; the thing is, I never felt that I wanted to give someone a chance to even get close to me. 

I am a big fan of romantic comedy films and novels. Having said that, I think I have a clear picture in mind of what it is like to be in love. Nonetheless, I do not understand why it is very difficult for me to open up to others. There are times when I think I am not really capable of being committed or being “in love” because I do not know how to love. But just the other night, a friend made me realize something. This friend made me understand that I actually know how to love; I am just afraid to give it a try. This is where I believe Christina Perri’s line comes in.

Image source: http://inspirably.com/quotes/by-amand
a-arlyle-graef/im-not-afraid-of-love-im-afraid-of-the-fall

So, how can I love when I am afraid to fall? How do you open up yourself to someone and allow him to see your imperfections and deepest scars? I often wonder why people choose to fall in love and allow themselves to become vulnerable. Is it really worth it to take a risk? Will it be alright to try even though you know that it is possible for you to be truly hurt? I have a lot of questions. I do not know when I will have the courage to answer them.

Still, I believe that there is that special person for me. There is that someone who will make me want to jump and take a risk with him; someone who will make me realize that life is better travelled with a companion. Until then, I would just continue to pray for God to grant me the courage to take a leap of faith and the grace to accept all of my imperfections. This way, I know I can be ready to face this special person and share my heart with him.